Current mood:	scared
Current music:	Blue October- Hate me

A public confession
So this last two weeks I have been recovering from being hit by a car, it screwed up my back and I spend a week and a couple days dazed and confused on pain killers, unable to much other than sit there and watch TV or Sleep I spent a lot of time thinking. I want to tell you all the secret I held from all my friends for five years.

From the Day I started LARP ing in Edwardsville, till ten months ago, I was an addict, worse yet a junkie. Now my drug of choice was not cocaine, Heroin or alcohol, or eevn weed. I was popping pills, Vicodin, about eight a day every day. I was legitimately in pain but when you have pain and you try to detoz it becomes maddening so I just never had the willpower to quit.

This led to most of my worst self destructive behavior, and is where most of my real money went to, for a while after breaking up with alexis I got better for a time, cut down to four a day but a twisted ankle caused me to kick up my dosage and I lost all my progress and just gave in. When I moved in with Hypriest I had a couple hundred pills stockpiled but I was going through them so fast, even when I was making good money at Pizza hut waiting tables and on a few less legitimate side jobs I was spending half my money on pills. I don't blame Hypriest for kicking me out, or Pedro, hell I deserved it, I was more concerned with the high than pulling my weight. But I was high and wasn't thinking straight and when they did boot me out I got angry, it wasn't until I sobered that I felt sorry and truely repentent for what I did to Hypriest who was Like a mentor and who was my Shaman, even high he was guiding me to be better than what I was. Hypriest I appreciate that and hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for my stupidity and the negative energy I brought into your life.

St Louis led to me dropping teh pills for weed for aa time, until I started working at california pizza kitchen and another server and a couple of teh cooks dealt me pills. I ruined a good relation ship with Lauren then did the same to Wraasgirl, leaving her in debt paying bills and buying me stuff while I blew the awesome money I made on pills, her absolute hatred of me is deserved, her I will not ask for forgivness, I used her. I honestly didn't think I was at the time I justified that I was bringing in some money and buying us a lot of good meals and that I was contributing. But what I was doing was convincing her to do things we should not have domne. My money should have gone in the fridge and rent... PERIOD.

I only have to say that I thank every god and every goddess that Though me Kira Met and grew to Love Wraa, my best friend. Hypriest was my guide and Wraa, and to a lesser Degree delmorte were my companions and were great friends to me... thank you guys and scratch for pulling Kira out when you did.

The sobering of being stranded in St Louis with people knocking down my door demanding money and having no pills left, detoxing alone in an apartment I hated with a woman who hated me... It was then in desperation I decided to clean up. I got Wraa to get me to Southern Illinois to my Brother theough hinestly it was a pity ride... and getting me out of Kira's hair, they dropped me at a hotel and paid a single nights stay and left. I met with my uncle and brother the next day and rode the detox ourt for a few days before I was sober enough to have my mom come get me. together we went to Mississippi where she paid for me to be in an out patient drug councelling session. Insomnia gripped me like never before. in teh morning at 6am I walked to the clinic took some meds meant to take the edge of detox, the afternoons I waited tables at Chili's and at night I made amazing friends at a local gaming store and obsessively gamed into teh wee hours of morning. those people I Miss and love, and Everyone I LARPed with, who ever helped me when I needed it, who ever had a kind word, thank you from the bottom of my fucking heart thank you. I realized I celbrated my one year sober aniversery three days ago... it was a quiet celbration seeing as how days run together sometimes.

I live in Champaign illiois with my Girlfriend Karen, she knew me when I was here before, an addict I wronged her then... cheated on her. But we started talking online and on the phone while I lived in Mississippi and she realized I had changed, and cautiously offered me a place in her home and in her Life. Karen i will be asleep when you read this.... nine and a half months later... thank you and I love you for showing me I am wanted and for sticking with me and truely seeing that I am a different person. and for sticking up for me when people have said they think I could never change.

I have held a job for seven months now, I'm looking for a better one because I make barely more than min wage, but I am not jumping from job to job. I don't bounce from couch to couch, or slum apartment to slum apartment.
I do owe people a great deal of money Hypriest over a thousand, USMC terram a few hundred Kira at least seven hundred, bear for funding my trip up here a few hundred, but I realisticly look at what I mae and my bills and I can't pay them which hurts me. I am gonna buy something from Devomatt because he has always been a true friend, honest with me and always spoke his mind. Matt, I feel you pain and mourn for your loss, I was there when you and Amanda started dating. Hell I pushed you and advised you to steal her from that piece of shit Justine... lol I was a piece of shit to thinking back on it but me and Fatimus prime and Terram on a late night walk... talking joking and just listening to you will alwaysbe my favorite memory of my time in edwardsville. I chered when the marriage happened. I litterally bawled like a baby in shock and saddness when she left you Matt, I'm crying now writing this. Please come see me, I want to talk to you I want to be one of the ones who IS there for you. Chase your Dream and go to Asia, fuck Nodled and anyone who calls you a traitor to america or is pessimistic towards you. I truely hope you read this.

One Edwardsville area person has seen me since my sobriety, usmc_terram. I don't know if he noticed the difference or not I was sad his stay was so short but it was great just seeing him hanging for a few hours.

all in all my life is good, I have a lot of Friends... I run a small changeling LARP in Champaign, and I have someone I love. I cry a lot though, pain, depression, and homesickness... edwardsville and my friends are home, even though so many are leaving for the military I want to go back to visit, to see you all, to apoligize to your faces, to let you look me in my eyes... eyes not clouded through a haze of medication and know me. Duff is dead, the time from 1998-2005 when I went entirely by my last name represents everything I have grown to hate about myself what is buried now. There are no excuses anymore, I just laid the truth behind those hollow things out for the world to see. If you know someone who knows me who is not on my friends list, or who hates me for something I have done to them... show them this. It is not friends only. I am sorry to everyone I have ever slight, and ever hurt.

This confession was inspired and long overdue... the inspiration was the director Kevin smith and his Blog. http://www.silentbobspeaks.com/ he just finished telling a nine part long story of Jason Meww's ten year struggle against heroin and oxycontin abuse and his struggle makes my problems look pathetic. the story is humorous and one of the most touching things I have EVER read in my life, it inspired me to end my fear and tell you all the truth.

I'm scared to hit Send...

Russ

I love you all and may peace be upon you .

Blue October-Hate Me

Children: If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me? I can't believe YOU ACTUALLY MISS ME....

Mother: Hi Justin! This is your mother it is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya. Take care honey, I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so i don't loose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you


(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

Children: If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me. I can't believe YOU ACTUALLY MISS ME....