There may be a point... There may not.
I realized I have not updated in a VERY long time.
Let's see what is up with Russ.
A. Recently started working as a Bouncer and Barback at a local concert venue/danceclub. Pay sucks but I get a tipshare from the bar which suplements the suck. So far I have had a Barstool broke across my back(the movies are wrong... bouncers cannot shrug that off and if they can they scare me) And have been commended cause twice I have busted someone for slipping things into women's drinks, catching them before the ladies drank the substances. I tend to think this is less about me being shar eyed and more about me being the only one who works there that isn't high or drunk on duty. I don't smoke pot, this is not because I don't enjoy itm it is because if I develop a vice it will be no different than before in my life. I also rarely drink, after a bad shift I may have a drink after work to calm nerves but I have done that twice. For the next two days we have HIp Hop dance parties at work... I have been warned to expect a fight, and even to expect someone to pick one with me and not to back down under any circumstances... I detest violence, but I am good at it. I hate this part of my job. Sunday Hell Yeah and Machinehead... I am assigned to watch the Pit, I need to pick up a kneebrace before then. Monday, Think I am gonna dye my hair Blue and get my eyebrow redone so it has a few days to heal before there is a risk of conflict at work.
B. Two and a half years clean. I was asked recently if there was any temptation anymore to start taking Vicodin again. The answer is No, the time spent on pills is my biggest regret, not just because of the people I hurt but also the death of my own intellect. I am not saying I am stupid now... I just no longer function on the same plane of thought as I used to. I lost creativity, and I lost a good deal of my ability to do things as fast as I would like.
Examples.
Lost urge to write for the sake of writing.
I used to be able to sing/rap along with my favorite music... I can no longer keep up anymore with the speed of lyrics on songs I could do in my sleep 4 years ago.
I am less Creative... my Roleplaying has suffered, staying 100% IC is hard these days... god I miss the days of Garou, yeah I was high buit I played one hell of a good character and I fucking know it. I miss games that can make real tears or real sadness occur. I have not had in since... and I am not sure I will have it again. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On related note... I have been asked to start my own Garou LARP. I do plan to do this starting at the UIUC fall semester. I plan on attempting to run a RP heavy, combat light exploration into the motivation and spiritual of Garou Culture. Game is gonna be set in the Shawnee Forest in a small fictional city and will run once, maybe twice a month. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biggest life changing event in the past 2 years... I am an Uncle. October 28th 2006 Mackenzie Renee Duff was born in Carbondale Illinois. She is an angel and simply the smartest child I have ever met. My regret is that I do not get to see her more often but you better believe I spoil the hell out of that child when I do see her.
This does create fears in me... My brother is a drug addict. When he is with her he stays clean and I see that he loves her and is devoted to her. It is when he goes out for a night I fear he will overdose and leave that child without a father. The drugs he does are worse than anything I ever considered doing and despite having the most amazing reason to get clean he continues to circle the drain. Nothing I say, nothing I do gets through to him, I love him but I also hate what he puts his family through.
On a happier note. I am truely, madly in love. I met a wonderful girl online about 8 months ago when I was dealing with a nasty breakup I refuse to get into here. She started talking to me helping me pull out of a nasty depression and things built from there. Yes we have met in person and it was the most wonderful week I have ever had. She is coming into town for my Birthday next month and to start planning for her to move in with me later this year. Her name is Aucha and She is beautiful, funny and a geek like me. (Not a gamer though and I am leaving her that way) I have been 100% honest about my past and the people I have hurt. She knows every bit of dirty laundry that exists on me and she accepts who I am TODAY. Not who I was in the Past. We also have a common bond that will be the last thing I discuss so that people can heed the TMI warning that will accompany it.
She is the reason I have finally looked at myself in the mirror and realized I need to fix myself more. I am Out of Shape, physically and Spiritually, that is the next phase. I need to lose about 70 pounds in order to be healthier, and I need to find my faith again... truely find it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People I miss and wish I could talk to/spend time with.
Ben- You have no idea how much I respect you man, you are one of the few that was always straight with me... If I was being an ass you let me know. Borg- You better come back from Hell's Sandbox in one piece... Who else is gonna read my future in his coffee at 4am in a Denny's? Matt M. aka Mr Tact.- Just wanna know what is up in your life these days. Pat... if you read this man I am sorry and wanna start making ammends, get me some kind of contact info please. I miss your advice, and your music. Matt L- I love you man and wish I could afford a trip to Thailand so we could talk again and have drinks.
Pretty much everyone else from C-U are people that I would want to Game with but for the most part not want to hang out with. I honestly do not know who would even want me around these days and I know there will always be a couple people who simply don't want me around. This is why I did not try to attend the latest Garou incarnation, My presence would have made people uncomfortable and hurt the game. I would rather not play than detract from something I truely loved. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last note before TMI... If you read this, even if you hate me I am truely sorry for the Asshat I have been. I hope to slowly prove to everyone what I am like NOW. I like myself, my Mother respects me again, and people love me for who I am. This is all that matters to me so if your the type to leave a Negative comment because of the past, don't bother. Positive or neutral comments or people seeking to talk to me again are more than welcome. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POSSIBLE TMI WARNING!
An old part of my life is new again. For those that never knew I spent a lot of my time before I moved to the CU area immersed in the BDSM culture. I started at 18 and learned a lot, then I moved back to the midwest and locked that part away for fear that if people found out it would cause issues, and my Signifigant Others simply were not interested or I assumed they were not.
MY sexually Dominant tendencies got brought back to the fore a coupel years ago when I started DJing for a BDSM themed online radio station. I met interesting people and I realized I could let lose and be myself. I dated a girl I will not mention more than as "a girl" who truely and completely reawakened me as a Dom.
My girl is not just my girlfriend, she is my pet, my devoted Sub and I could not be happier about this. I am not gonna go into bedroom details, you guys don't want that and if you do... tough. But I have never been this satisfied in my life and she is the same. Our common bonds in this brought us together and therefore I will never regret going to work for that station even if I have drifted away from it due to "a girl" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For those who may want to talk to me again, and I am pretty open minded about things my AIM and Yahoo Names are MasterHemlocke. Feel free to contact me, If I am on but don't answer I am asleep or at work, I am not good at remembering to turn on away messages.
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midnighthunter) wrote,
contemplative
